Complexities, a thought

It's someone's birthday today. Though I am not at the liberty of wishing him with blessings from the universe, I sincerely hope he fares well in the time to come. 

This post is not a public happy birthday wish, it's to give voice to a thought inside my head, as to how and why do we, as humans, are able to harvest such an extremely complicated measure of emotions for people around us. Life is not simple. It never was and never will be, not for me and not for anyone. But how easy can you make your life. Being numb is a great option but requires one to be immensely strong as well. 

But how, how does everything around us become so complicated? i can raise several options stating them as subjective or based on perception. But hey, is it so? 

We determine our actions, reactions and decisions according to the situation. But once the decision is taken, why does our mind not rest in peace? it still dwells on the 'ifs' and 'buts' hoping for the happier solution to be present rather than the hard decision taken.

Harden up your balls people, remember, the only way to move forward is to build a solid grave stone of your decisions. Don't waver. 

Never

~k~

My only death wish

Tomorrow when I die, may it be with my free will.

Since I have truly never owned anything in the past 20 years, I just want to be me with my free will. I care not when or how I die and leave this beautiful planet. But I do not want to die in regret.

if only i did not have to look over my shoulder, I would willingly jump off a beautiful cliff with a smile on my face and the rush of flying, not fear, agony and pain.

Arms wide open, 

embracing the beauty of nature 

and clarity of the skies.

May I be blessed with free will

while the wind rushes across my face

ah, smell of serenity.

with a smile,

and a thud,

The End.

~k~

Crazy

Truth can only be seen when your eyes are open. Realizations may come a little late, but better than never. Maybe this is perception, but to be surrounded with the torment of betrayal, reminds of older days. Just that this time it came smoothly and without the melodrama.
How does it feel to review your past again, just this time you see your loved ones with demonic eyes and being cruel to you, just subtly though.

Maybe I am going crazy, or maybe I just opened my eyes. I did realize, I would not be seeking support no more for my trust has become dormant.

Manners, are required

What a fine morning (technically afternoon) where I realize there are comments on my blog! wow!
Well, it feels good of course, a little nice tiny smile on my face, something rare these days. The gloomy days seemed like depression to me, and now, it's just another phase. Time becomes way easier when you call it a phase.

Every aspect of our life is based on nothing but perception. Perception is all it takes to change things around or to jump down as abyss. (Nice option though. I like this option today as well. Don’t worry, I'm not suicidal, I used to be though. I learnt to control that urge as well. ) I learnt the difference well enough in my teenage years.

Smart kid I was, and surprised as I am I'm glad I devoted some time out of the teenage mess and actually did a lot of reading and had a sense of curiosity. My curiosity cat is long dead. I accept, I move on. If it's a problem, solve it, and if it can't be solved then leave it. Hence, time passed, and moving on. 

I don’t think I’m in a mood to crib today. Nothing on my mind really, well, there rarely is anything these days.

A lingering question though, why is it justified shouting at home but not outside? Do we really need manners at home or ‘in the outside world’.

There’s a sacred line you cross when you step over the threshold of your house, but neither is it good to bring its problems inside, nor vice versa. But yet, we do that. All of us vent our domestic problems outside, in order to achieve peace maybe even a little sympathy.

Yes and sympathy leads to friendship (yes it does, you would be a fool not to realize that) and then kaboom!!!!. They are BAD BAD friendships. When you unite on your pain, its bloody shallow!

Yes Yes, I’m still sour on the friendship part. One last hope I had in this world and that too is gone. I don’t give a shit about romance or friendship, both.

And well, coming back, we vent our outside problems inside the house, well there are various ways to d that, but it does spread a negative energy.  The house does not have the advantage of immense size to absorb the negativity but it does have the patience for it. Yet, I still cannot justify shouting or venting in a house. Manners are required. FIND OTHER GODDAMN WAYS!

What you get in your home, will not be there outside! So stop utilizing it for the wrong reasons. NOBOD deserves your anger and sadness. Nobody should face the brunt of it, any day.

Hence, I conclude by saying, every family is dysfunctional (refer to the poem ‘Just Another Story, farther down in this blog) but we should utilize our manners inside the household too. It helps! Trust me I’ve tried it! In short, be thankful to have whatever u have and make sure you make it felt. Venting at home isn’t a great idea.  And last but not the least, friendships can be shitty. Sorry, I correct myself MOST OF THEM ARE!

Silence

Within and without

I can hear myself screaming

More than you can sense your breathing

Stop.

Cz I cant sleep either.

Stay. Don’t leave.

I need you, maybe not.

But stay,

For this silence

Hurts.

~k~

its 6 am in the morning...my friend passed out on my bed. I somehow thought of writing a blog post. Honestly i thought of doing it yesterday too, but with a glass of whiskey in my hand, it somehow just felt right. Honestly I cant help it. I love blogging, though sending out my thoughts to the ‘universe’ doesn’t exactly feel ecstatic, but in a way it’s comforting. Well, its true, writing is a vent for me, but hey! It’s not everything. Recently I’ve been through a lot. My heart is heavy, my thoughts always engaged. There is somehow always something on my mind. But today I spent a nice day with my buddy, had nice long talks on the roof in the amazing weather with me having a lot of drinks. But somehow after 8 drinks I’m still unshaken. I could pride on my capacity or I could brood on my insomnia. As history repeats itself, I’m not too happy with the lack of sleep. Hey I have workouts every alternate day and its very hard to exert yourself without adequate sleep.

I finally showed up on the pages of my diary, but somehow they were just not enough of a vent. I don’t j=know how many vents I’ll need. But one thing I know for sure, needing a best friend is not one of them. Hell, there is nothing known as a ‘BEST FRIEND’. It’s called “ BULLSHIT’.

Someone very rightfully made me realize that and I have come to believe its true. The oldest friend isn’t your best friend, hell no one is. It is just a term used for social purposes. One has ‘CLOSE FRIENDS’ not best friends. And like every other topic, this is subjective as well. I would like to be personal here since it’s my blog. No offense or insult meant in this context, but is it unjust if me to ask for attention? Should I not ask for attention from a friend I ‘demand’ to be at my side when I need them? Should I actually go around reminding people of the favors I did them when they needed me?

All I wanted was my close friend to be at my side, pamper me and hug me tight, not wait for me to beg her to meet me.

Honestly, ive been wanting to be alone recently and I like it that way. I don’t care I have company or not, I enjoy either ways. Just that I’m tired of being disappointed.

I think I made a mistake by thinking I would find my friends with me without asking for it. 

Shpongle - Around the World in a Tea Daze...one of my favorites. listen to the whole track

and i keep wishing...

my diary is exactly 3 feet away, at a diagonal angle. and yet i am not able to move and get it, despite several efforts over the past few days. but somehow, posting on my blog seemed easier. it feels as if i want to disperse my thoughts into the universe where they would spread and fade away, and not come back to me. i want so many things to be unreachable right now. 


we all repeatedly yearn to go back through time and make things right. reality hit me long back, and i knew it wont happen, its worse than a dream or any drug to hope for such a miracle. today i want to run away so badly, that i have even lost an inkling to get myself back. 


yes we keep saying running away isn't the option, but hey! it is. it needs to be right now. i want to cut off from every one. i have begun to love this silence. my silence. my lack of words. i like it, hell i love it.

its as if i can see my past again. those dark days of depression when i forgot to even smile. i resided within 4 walls, in darkness and silence. i somehow like it more.

more and more.

For Mam

Every moment, enveloped by cynicism


A reassuring hand on my shoulder


Nudged me forward
Into the

clouds of confusion.


With a rock solid faith


That I could not believe

A pin prick when I need it,


A token of love when required


Cautious but never pressing


Love in abundance, 


With a shining light to guide.

No promises here


Nor any reigns.


Just respect


For all we do 


And what we are.

All I wish is for that hand to stay on my shoulder


To pat me when it’s proud


And slap me when I’m wrong


For it is only respect that I have


That I am pleased to give.


For I am not worthy to be that lucky.

~k~


14.02.2012


UpDatE

An update for a change, I want to include my photography in this blog. A talent I seem to be losing lately, yet trying to keep it alive. I have some very old pics in this blog, which I will be updating very soon. A progress from mascent 'point & shoot' to photography.