While I
struggle to look for a pen this morning, and I fail, I realize I do have another
option that I haven’t visited. Some mornings are just naturally disturbing for
me, though I could never understand how a beautiful morning could make no
difference to the turmoil in my head that forces me to lash out at everything
and everyone around me. At this particular point everything is poisonous and
wrong. I might be at the peak of negativity on such mornings.
These are
times when anger and frustration have no definition. I am absolutely clueless
about why am I so angry. Nothing triggered. Nothing at all. It’s a statement, ‘I
am Angry’. Reason, I don’t know. It began with a headache, the lack of sleep,
somebody didn’t reply to my text etc, the teeniest and tiniest things are
getting on my nerves right now. I wanted to leave this behind, this anger. I might
never be able to be away from troubles but I thought this nerve throbbing anger
was buried deep inside. This is one thing I sincerely would like to get rid of.
I wouldn’t
deny I’m still the calmest person around, but somehow when I’m alone I get
highly destructive. Since a few days all the bad habits have been making a
flashback, luring me in their trap, asking me to come aboard. The blades, and
the pills, and the innovative ways to hurt one self. Though these are crafty
arts in themselves. One hurts themselves just enough to produce pain but
leaving as less scars as possible.
The worst
part about growing up is that it’s hard to hide now. One doesn’t even have
answers for such maneuvers anymore. Ah, sweet teenage, how poisonous you’ve
been!
Not that I
want to go back to it! It was hard enough the first time, trust me. All I want
is an escape. Some answers in life, a lot more self control and some stability
of the mind.
I don’t even
believe people around me are the faulty ones anymore, my sweet great heart
poisons me and makes me doubt practically everyone. Now how am I supposed to
live with such a hyper active mind? Not to mention the amazingly vivid and
scary dreams!
