Troubled mornings

While I struggle to look for a pen this morning, and I fail, I realize I do have another option that I haven’t visited. Some mornings are just naturally disturbing for me, though I could never understand how a beautiful morning could make no difference to the turmoil in my head that forces me to lash out at everything and everyone around me. At this particular point everything is poisonous and wrong. I might be at the peak of negativity on such mornings.

These are times when anger and frustration have no definition. I am absolutely clueless about why am I so angry. Nothing triggered. Nothing at all. It’s a statement, ‘I am Angry’. Reason, I don’t know. It began with a headache, the lack of sleep, somebody didn’t reply to my text etc, the teeniest and tiniest things are getting on my nerves right now. I wanted to leave this behind, this anger. I might never be able to be away from troubles but I thought this nerve throbbing anger was buried deep inside. This is one thing I sincerely would like to get rid of.

I wouldn’t deny I’m still the calmest person around, but somehow when I’m alone I get highly destructive. Since a few days all the bad habits have been making a flashback, luring me in their trap, asking me to come aboard. The blades, and the pills, and the innovative ways to hurt one self. Though these are crafty arts in themselves. One hurts themselves just enough to produce pain but leaving as less scars as possible.

The worst part about growing up is that it’s hard to hide now. One doesn’t even have answers for such maneuvers anymore. Ah, sweet teenage, how poisonous you’ve been!

Not that I want to go back to it! It was hard enough the first time, trust me. All I want is an escape. Some answers in life, a lot more self control and some stability of the mind.

I don’t even believe people around me are the faulty ones anymore, my sweet great heart poisons me and makes me doubt practically everyone. Now how am I supposed to live with such a hyper active mind? Not to mention the amazingly vivid and scary dreams!