Another sleepless night, with a glass of whiskey and a horribly slow internet connection, I thought why not write something. Since I am too lazy to put the lappy aside, get up, open a drawer, take out my diary, look for a pen, switch on some light, find a position where i can write n then settle down, I chose the my blog instead. Somehow knowing it isn't much out there kind of makes it a little personal ,you know.
I'd rather sip whiskey at intervals and just type. I'm not rambling here, really. I saw a dream this morning, which ended up becoming beautifully orchestrated by me. I day-dream. Yes I do and I'm not ashamed of it. Maybe I never can be, it's a part of me; a place where I can still hope for a better day.
The dream began with a beach. That was all I saw, the waves lapping at the shore and the beautiful sand in late evening. I realized I was in Goa. Probably not the best beach I've visited, but the familiarity was comforting for sure.
The sounds and decor suddenly felt familiar too. I was sitting in a corner of Curlies, Anjuna Beach. I have no idea why I was there, or why did my mind chose that particular place. I have no great memories there, just like I have no great memories at a lot more places i have been to. I realized things slowly, but then I was still dreaming.
I was on the floor, facing the sea, feet dangling from the edge from where I could see the venders with a single lamp, and a number of people crowded around it. I had a cloth sling bag on me, which had some hash and essentials. I realized I was sitting alone, quietly with a drink at my side and a joint in my hand.
I woke up, but the dream was too sweet to forget. I realized what a great idea it was and that maybe I would actually do it too someday. Go hitchhiking alone, but I was never sure I could be alone for that long. Some incidents in my life would beg to differ to that notion. I have now and before spent countless days, with little contact with others. Not even family members, let alone friends.
What I orchestrated later, was great to. But then, it all comes down to wishful thinking.
Yet, am unable to even visit a coffee shop on my own, just to read a book in silence. Imagining it looks great, but doing it always seemed silly. Every time I wanted to go through with it, I would holdback and ask, 'why am I doing this? It's so lame to sit somewhere absolutely alone. This is not YOU!' . I would turn back and return to being alone in my room instead. I don't know which option is better but it certainly does not leave me happy.
Being so confused is nothing but torment.
Late night gibberish, maybe but it still leaves me with a question I ask my self repeatedly,"Can I survive alone without being dependent on another for company?"
I'd rather sip whiskey at intervals and just type. I'm not rambling here, really. I saw a dream this morning, which ended up becoming beautifully orchestrated by me. I day-dream. Yes I do and I'm not ashamed of it. Maybe I never can be, it's a part of me; a place where I can still hope for a better day.
The dream began with a beach. That was all I saw, the waves lapping at the shore and the beautiful sand in late evening. I realized I was in Goa. Probably not the best beach I've visited, but the familiarity was comforting for sure.
The sounds and decor suddenly felt familiar too. I was sitting in a corner of Curlies, Anjuna Beach. I have no idea why I was there, or why did my mind chose that particular place. I have no great memories there, just like I have no great memories at a lot more places i have been to. I realized things slowly, but then I was still dreaming.
I was on the floor, facing the sea, feet dangling from the edge from where I could see the venders with a single lamp, and a number of people crowded around it. I had a cloth sling bag on me, which had some hash and essentials. I realized I was sitting alone, quietly with a drink at my side and a joint in my hand.
I woke up, but the dream was too sweet to forget. I realized what a great idea it was and that maybe I would actually do it too someday. Go hitchhiking alone, but I was never sure I could be alone for that long. Some incidents in my life would beg to differ to that notion. I have now and before spent countless days, with little contact with others. Not even family members, let alone friends.
What I orchestrated later, was great to. But then, it all comes down to wishful thinking.
Yet, am unable to even visit a coffee shop on my own, just to read a book in silence. Imagining it looks great, but doing it always seemed silly. Every time I wanted to go through with it, I would holdback and ask, 'why am I doing this? It's so lame to sit somewhere absolutely alone. This is not YOU!' . I would turn back and return to being alone in my room instead. I don't know which option is better but it certainly does not leave me happy.
Being so confused is nothing but torment.
Late night gibberish, maybe but it still leaves me with a question I ask my self repeatedly,"Can I survive alone without being dependent on another for company?"
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