When loneliness comes knocking your door, you wish it wasn't there. It's the natural instinct when you know what is waiting for you out there...
It's loneliness bro... It's loneliness..
You have no idea how to define it... you have no idea how to name it, and it neer tells you why it is here...
be careful... it will mess yoiu up.. create a turmoil of emotions... but yet, I suggest,,, let it be... you need to dwell into your memories... You know you never wanted this.

Did I ever tell you I hate Clocks?

That ticking sound
In the dead beat silence of the night
when nothing moves, nothing in sight
that rhythmic sound, again and again
makes the world sync with itself
Now and again you lose the thought
and yet again comes that sound
a reminder of the passing moments,
ones that would never repeat
but in the dead cold silence of the night
that's one freaky sound you never let slide

~k~

22.12.2013

From Shruti Kalvani

The sun comes up,
the sun comes down
the earth keeps spinning round and round
I love you and you love me
that's how simple life can be
and if you don't believe
just plant a seed and watch it grow
for what you reap is what you sow.
I love you broa.

_Shruti Kalvani 

Too many questions

Haven't been here since long. I guess it takes quite a bit of courage to finally write again. It's not even surprising to me anymore that I would turn towards this blog faster than I'd turn towards my Diary.

How sad though, ironically writing used to be an asset. I preferred it over so many things. It was everything to me - a vent, hobby, even a muse in fact. But since nothing lasts forever, I believe that flare died too.

I often said I only write when I was in need of a vent, and gradually I reigned my emotions and my will to write ebbed away with it. Now what’s left is just anger, which I wish would cool down.

Since I’m here, a question of mine needs to be put out and although answers are not expected; it’s just a thought. Why do we need support? Why does the wish to be ‘rescued’ arise in us? Why is there a longing for a hug, to hold somebody’s hand, to hide your head on somebody’s chest?

Now don’t think I’m going all ‘lonely maiden’ here, no way! Nor is this a mood swing ranting as a desperate plea for love and intimacy. No - no! I keep myself away from such illusions.

The question here is, why do these needs arise? Why are we as individuals not enough for ourselves? Why do we always ‘NEED’ a ‘SOMEONE’?

Now I’m not pointing towards a relationship here, the implication here is simply towards another individual who we ‘consider’ is dear to us - and that can be any relationship.

So, why the sudden urge for dependency?

And no, this is not typical female behavior. It’s human nature - we always miss what we don’t have. But my focus here is, why do certain situations form the need for dependency.

Is it natural? I believe yes, since I have seen many facing that. How can it be controlled - No idea!  Do these feelings need to be controlled? Do they not instill further negative feelings, like loneliness and self-pity?

Too many questions.

Troubled mornings

While I struggle to look for a pen this morning, and I fail, I realize I do have another option that I haven’t visited. Some mornings are just naturally disturbing for me, though I could never understand how a beautiful morning could make no difference to the turmoil in my head that forces me to lash out at everything and everyone around me. At this particular point everything is poisonous and wrong. I might be at the peak of negativity on such mornings.

These are times when anger and frustration have no definition. I am absolutely clueless about why am I so angry. Nothing triggered. Nothing at all. It’s a statement, ‘I am Angry’. Reason, I don’t know. It began with a headache, the lack of sleep, somebody didn’t reply to my text etc, the teeniest and tiniest things are getting on my nerves right now. I wanted to leave this behind, this anger. I might never be able to be away from troubles but I thought this nerve throbbing anger was buried deep inside. This is one thing I sincerely would like to get rid of.

I wouldn’t deny I’m still the calmest person around, but somehow when I’m alone I get highly destructive. Since a few days all the bad habits have been making a flashback, luring me in their trap, asking me to come aboard. The blades, and the pills, and the innovative ways to hurt one self. Though these are crafty arts in themselves. One hurts themselves just enough to produce pain but leaving as less scars as possible.

The worst part about growing up is that it’s hard to hide now. One doesn’t even have answers for such maneuvers anymore. Ah, sweet teenage, how poisonous you’ve been!

Not that I want to go back to it! It was hard enough the first time, trust me. All I want is an escape. Some answers in life, a lot more self control and some stability of the mind.

I don’t even believe people around me are the faulty ones anymore, my sweet great heart poisons me and makes me doubt practically everyone. Now how am I supposed to live with such a hyper active mind? Not to mention the amazingly vivid and scary dreams!

GiG ClicKs!

The Canvas

Trapped in a white box we are

With magical paint on our hands

Paint and shape whoever we are

With time slipping like sand

It's a mirror to reflect

And a canvas to perfect

It's clay to sculpt

With colors that melt

What's made can't be erased

Multitude of faces to be fazed

Its our story, and will be

For it one day will be history

With each step we take

There's another canvas to paint

With each second we waste

There is more at stake

The only fear that must remain

Is to keep away from your own pain

For the canvas and the clay

Won't wait for us to make them stay

~k~

3rd July, 2012

History always repeats itself.

Those long nights are back. I thought I was over them, apparently I'm not. This is 2008 and 2009 all over again ( a little of 2010 too actually) .
This hasn't ended, I don't know when will it. Long lonely silent nights. Nobody to talk to, nothing to do, hobbies become boring. Me - hungry, restless and now attacked with a serious case of munchies, which by the way I try to dodge. I actually stopped buying junk food, in a way to starve to death. Sounds sadistic, but I have no plans of sitting like a dough and gaining weight again. It's just too sad.
Well, I  run away from that part, but doesn't that doesn't solve my eating disorder. I just don't eat. Being anorexic sounds great, but alas, I have too much mass on me and it's not going anywhere too soon.


Staying up all night would be fine with me if I wasn't such a light sleeper. when you know you wouldn't be able to sleep, it becomes a serious problem. I have been cribbing about sleep for more than six years now. That is a long LONG time. I have lost memory of the days I have had a peaceful night to myself. 


One day it is insomnia, and for the rest of the days there are nightmares. Hell, even alcohol provides no solution. I cant sleep for more than 2-3 hours even if I pass out with 2 litres of whiskey or rum in my belly (been there, done that).


History does repeat itself, a few years back I found myself all alone, without purpose and a mind full of doubts. It's just the same today.

Let Go

The fact that I wouldn't get back what I have lost, is one of great despair. Truth I know, but it's inevitable not to deny it. It  won't come back, I know. Nothing would. I even know it was never meant to be, but heartbreak is a part of life. It came, it happened and now it's done. I just have to pick up the pieces and move on with the burden of wrong decisions, happy and sad memories and a lot that would be missed.

Love, again

It came and went

just like it always has 

and regretfully will do so again.

no crossroads this time,

no blood shed 

and excruciating pain.

It came, it was good

but I'll still wait till it's great.

Let go, 

No blame-games today

It just was not yours to keep.

~k~

Late Night Gibberish

Another sleepless night, with a glass of whiskey and a horribly slow internet connection, I thought why not write something. Since I am too lazy to put the lappy aside, get up, open a drawer, take out my diary, look for a pen, switch on some light, find a position where i can write n then settle down, I chose the my blog instead. Somehow knowing it isn't much out there kind of makes it a little personal ,you know.
I'd rather sip whiskey at intervals and just type. I'm not rambling here, really. I saw a dream this morning, which ended up becoming beautifully orchestrated by me. I day-dream. Yes I do and I'm not ashamed of it. Maybe I never can be, it's a part of me; a place where I can still hope for a better day.
The dream began with a beach. That was all I saw, the waves lapping at the shore and the beautiful sand in late evening. I realized I was in Goa. Probably not the best beach I've visited, but the familiarity was comforting for sure.
The sounds and decor suddenly felt familiar too. I was sitting in a corner of Curlies, Anjuna Beach. I have no idea why I was there, or why did my mind chose that particular place. I have no great memories there, just like I have no great memories at a lot more places i have been to. I realized things slowly, but then I was still dreaming.
I was on the floor, facing the sea, feet dangling from the edge from where I could see the venders with a single lamp, and a number of people crowded around it. I had a cloth sling bag on me, which had some hash and essentials. I realized I was sitting alone, quietly with a drink at my side and a joint in my hand.
I woke up, but the dream was too sweet to forget. I realized what a great idea it was and that maybe I would actually do it too someday. Go hitchhiking alone, but I was never sure I could be alone for that long. Some incidents in  my life would beg to differ to that notion. I have now and before spent countless days, with little contact with others. Not even family members, let alone friends.
What I orchestrated later, was great to. But then, it all comes down to wishful thinking.

Yet, am unable to even visit a coffee shop on my own, just to read a book in silence. Imagining it looks great, but doing it always seemed silly. Every time I wanted to go through with it, I would holdback and ask, 'why am I doing this? It's so lame to sit somewhere absolutely alone. This is not YOU!' . I would turn back and return to being alone in my room instead. I don't know which option is better but it certainly does not leave me happy.
Being so confused is nothing but torment.

Late night gibberish, maybe but it still leaves me with a question I ask my self repeatedly,"Can I survive  alone without being dependent on another for company?"