Troubled mornings

While I struggle to look for a pen this morning, and I fail, I realize I do have another option that I haven’t visited. Some mornings are just naturally disturbing for me, though I could never understand how a beautiful morning could make no difference to the turmoil in my head that forces me to lash out at everything and everyone around me. At this particular point everything is poisonous and wrong. I might be at the peak of negativity on such mornings.

These are times when anger and frustration have no definition. I am absolutely clueless about why am I so angry. Nothing triggered. Nothing at all. It’s a statement, ‘I am Angry’. Reason, I don’t know. It began with a headache, the lack of sleep, somebody didn’t reply to my text etc, the teeniest and tiniest things are getting on my nerves right now. I wanted to leave this behind, this anger. I might never be able to be away from troubles but I thought this nerve throbbing anger was buried deep inside. This is one thing I sincerely would like to get rid of.

I wouldn’t deny I’m still the calmest person around, but somehow when I’m alone I get highly destructive. Since a few days all the bad habits have been making a flashback, luring me in their trap, asking me to come aboard. The blades, and the pills, and the innovative ways to hurt one self. Though these are crafty arts in themselves. One hurts themselves just enough to produce pain but leaving as less scars as possible.

The worst part about growing up is that it’s hard to hide now. One doesn’t even have answers for such maneuvers anymore. Ah, sweet teenage, how poisonous you’ve been!

Not that I want to go back to it! It was hard enough the first time, trust me. All I want is an escape. Some answers in life, a lot more self control and some stability of the mind.

I don’t even believe people around me are the faulty ones anymore, my sweet great heart poisons me and makes me doubt practically everyone. Now how am I supposed to live with such a hyper active mind? Not to mention the amazingly vivid and scary dreams!

GiG ClicKs!

The Canvas

Trapped in a white box we are

With magical paint on our hands

Paint and shape whoever we are

With time slipping like sand

It's a mirror to reflect

And a canvas to perfect

It's clay to sculpt

With colors that melt

What's made can't be erased

Multitude of faces to be fazed

Its our story, and will be

For it one day will be history

With each step we take

There's another canvas to paint

With each second we waste

There is more at stake

The only fear that must remain

Is to keep away from your own pain

For the canvas and the clay

Won't wait for us to make them stay

~k~

3rd July, 2012

History always repeats itself.

Those long nights are back. I thought I was over them, apparently I'm not. This is 2008 and 2009 all over again ( a little of 2010 too actually) .
This hasn't ended, I don't know when will it. Long lonely silent nights. Nobody to talk to, nothing to do, hobbies become boring. Me - hungry, restless and now attacked with a serious case of munchies, which by the way I try to dodge. I actually stopped buying junk food, in a way to starve to death. Sounds sadistic, but I have no plans of sitting like a dough and gaining weight again. It's just too sad.
Well, I  run away from that part, but doesn't that doesn't solve my eating disorder. I just don't eat. Being anorexic sounds great, but alas, I have too much mass on me and it's not going anywhere too soon.


Staying up all night would be fine with me if I wasn't such a light sleeper. when you know you wouldn't be able to sleep, it becomes a serious problem. I have been cribbing about sleep for more than six years now. That is a long LONG time. I have lost memory of the days I have had a peaceful night to myself. 


One day it is insomnia, and for the rest of the days there are nightmares. Hell, even alcohol provides no solution. I cant sleep for more than 2-3 hours even if I pass out with 2 litres of whiskey or rum in my belly (been there, done that).


History does repeat itself, a few years back I found myself all alone, without purpose and a mind full of doubts. It's just the same today.

Let Go

The fact that I wouldn't get back what I have lost, is one of great despair. Truth I know, but it's inevitable not to deny it. It  won't come back, I know. Nothing would. I even know it was never meant to be, but heartbreak is a part of life. It came, it happened and now it's done. I just have to pick up the pieces and move on with the burden of wrong decisions, happy and sad memories and a lot that would be missed.

Love, again

It came and went

just like it always has 

and regretfully will do so again.

no crossroads this time,

no blood shed 

and excruciating pain.

It came, it was good

but I'll still wait till it's great.

Let go, 

No blame-games today

It just was not yours to keep.

~k~

Late Night Gibberish

Another sleepless night, with a glass of whiskey and a horribly slow internet connection, I thought why not write something. Since I am too lazy to put the lappy aside, get up, open a drawer, take out my diary, look for a pen, switch on some light, find a position where i can write n then settle down, I chose the my blog instead. Somehow knowing it isn't much out there kind of makes it a little personal ,you know.
I'd rather sip whiskey at intervals and just type. I'm not rambling here, really. I saw a dream this morning, which ended up becoming beautifully orchestrated by me. I day-dream. Yes I do and I'm not ashamed of it. Maybe I never can be, it's a part of me; a place where I can still hope for a better day.
The dream began with a beach. That was all I saw, the waves lapping at the shore and the beautiful sand in late evening. I realized I was in Goa. Probably not the best beach I've visited, but the familiarity was comforting for sure.
The sounds and decor suddenly felt familiar too. I was sitting in a corner of Curlies, Anjuna Beach. I have no idea why I was there, or why did my mind chose that particular place. I have no great memories there, just like I have no great memories at a lot more places i have been to. I realized things slowly, but then I was still dreaming.
I was on the floor, facing the sea, feet dangling from the edge from where I could see the venders with a single lamp, and a number of people crowded around it. I had a cloth sling bag on me, which had some hash and essentials. I realized I was sitting alone, quietly with a drink at my side and a joint in my hand.
I woke up, but the dream was too sweet to forget. I realized what a great idea it was and that maybe I would actually do it too someday. Go hitchhiking alone, but I was never sure I could be alone for that long. Some incidents in  my life would beg to differ to that notion. I have now and before spent countless days, with little contact with others. Not even family members, let alone friends.
What I orchestrated later, was great to. But then, it all comes down to wishful thinking.

Yet, am unable to even visit a coffee shop on my own, just to read a book in silence. Imagining it looks great, but doing it always seemed silly. Every time I wanted to go through with it, I would holdback and ask, 'why am I doing this? It's so lame to sit somewhere absolutely alone. This is not YOU!' . I would turn back and return to being alone in my room instead. I don't know which option is better but it certainly does not leave me happy.
Being so confused is nothing but torment.

Late night gibberish, maybe but it still leaves me with a question I ask my self repeatedly,"Can I survive  alone without being dependent on another for company?"

Complexities, a thought

It's someone's birthday today. Though I am not at the liberty of wishing him with blessings from the universe, I sincerely hope he fares well in the time to come. 

This post is not a public happy birthday wish, it's to give voice to a thought inside my head, as to how and why do we, as humans, are able to harvest such an extremely complicated measure of emotions for people around us. Life is not simple. It never was and never will be, not for me and not for anyone. But how easy can you make your life. Being numb is a great option but requires one to be immensely strong as well. 

But how, how does everything around us become so complicated? i can raise several options stating them as subjective or based on perception. But hey, is it so? 

We determine our actions, reactions and decisions according to the situation. But once the decision is taken, why does our mind not rest in peace? it still dwells on the 'ifs' and 'buts' hoping for the happier solution to be present rather than the hard decision taken.

Harden up your balls people, remember, the only way to move forward is to build a solid grave stone of your decisions. Don't waver. 

Never

~k~

My only death wish

Tomorrow when I die, may it be with my free will.

Since I have truly never owned anything in the past 20 years, I just want to be me with my free will. I care not when or how I die and leave this beautiful planet. But I do not want to die in regret.

if only i did not have to look over my shoulder, I would willingly jump off a beautiful cliff with a smile on my face and the rush of flying, not fear, agony and pain.

Arms wide open, 

embracing the beauty of nature 

and clarity of the skies.

May I be blessed with free will

while the wind rushes across my face

ah, smell of serenity.

with a smile,

and a thud,

The End.

~k~

Crazy

Truth can only be seen when your eyes are open. Realizations may come a little late, but better than never. Maybe this is perception, but to be surrounded with the torment of betrayal, reminds of older days. Just that this time it came smoothly and without the melodrama.
How does it feel to review your past again, just this time you see your loved ones with demonic eyes and being cruel to you, just subtly though.

Maybe I am going crazy, or maybe I just opened my eyes. I did realize, I would not be seeking support no more for my trust has become dormant.

Manners, are required

What a fine morning (technically afternoon) where I realize there are comments on my blog! wow!
Well, it feels good of course, a little nice tiny smile on my face, something rare these days. The gloomy days seemed like depression to me, and now, it's just another phase. Time becomes way easier when you call it a phase.

Every aspect of our life is based on nothing but perception. Perception is all it takes to change things around or to jump down as abyss. (Nice option though. I like this option today as well. Don’t worry, I'm not suicidal, I used to be though. I learnt to control that urge as well. ) I learnt the difference well enough in my teenage years.

Smart kid I was, and surprised as I am I'm glad I devoted some time out of the teenage mess and actually did a lot of reading and had a sense of curiosity. My curiosity cat is long dead. I accept, I move on. If it's a problem, solve it, and if it can't be solved then leave it. Hence, time passed, and moving on. 

I don’t think I’m in a mood to crib today. Nothing on my mind really, well, there rarely is anything these days.

A lingering question though, why is it justified shouting at home but not outside? Do we really need manners at home or ‘in the outside world’.

There’s a sacred line you cross when you step over the threshold of your house, but neither is it good to bring its problems inside, nor vice versa. But yet, we do that. All of us vent our domestic problems outside, in order to achieve peace maybe even a little sympathy.

Yes and sympathy leads to friendship (yes it does, you would be a fool not to realize that) and then kaboom!!!!. They are BAD BAD friendships. When you unite on your pain, its bloody shallow!

Yes Yes, I’m still sour on the friendship part. One last hope I had in this world and that too is gone. I don’t give a shit about romance or friendship, both.

And well, coming back, we vent our outside problems inside the house, well there are various ways to d that, but it does spread a negative energy.  The house does not have the advantage of immense size to absorb the negativity but it does have the patience for it. Yet, I still cannot justify shouting or venting in a house. Manners are required. FIND OTHER GODDAMN WAYS!

What you get in your home, will not be there outside! So stop utilizing it for the wrong reasons. NOBOD deserves your anger and sadness. Nobody should face the brunt of it, any day.

Hence, I conclude by saying, every family is dysfunctional (refer to the poem ‘Just Another Story, farther down in this blog) but we should utilize our manners inside the household too. It helps! Trust me I’ve tried it! In short, be thankful to have whatever u have and make sure you make it felt. Venting at home isn’t a great idea.  And last but not the least, friendships can be shitty. Sorry, I correct myself MOST OF THEM ARE!

Silence

Within and without

I can hear myself screaming

More than you can sense your breathing

Stop.

Cz I cant sleep either.

Stay. Don’t leave.

I need you, maybe not.

But stay,

For this silence

Hurts.

~k~

its 6 am in the morning...my friend passed out on my bed. I somehow thought of writing a blog post. Honestly i thought of doing it yesterday too, but with a glass of whiskey in my hand, it somehow just felt right. Honestly I cant help it. I love blogging, though sending out my thoughts to the ‘universe’ doesn’t exactly feel ecstatic, but in a way it’s comforting. Well, its true, writing is a vent for me, but hey! It’s not everything. Recently I’ve been through a lot. My heart is heavy, my thoughts always engaged. There is somehow always something on my mind. But today I spent a nice day with my buddy, had nice long talks on the roof in the amazing weather with me having a lot of drinks. But somehow after 8 drinks I’m still unshaken. I could pride on my capacity or I could brood on my insomnia. As history repeats itself, I’m not too happy with the lack of sleep. Hey I have workouts every alternate day and its very hard to exert yourself without adequate sleep.

I finally showed up on the pages of my diary, but somehow they were just not enough of a vent. I don’t j=know how many vents I’ll need. But one thing I know for sure, needing a best friend is not one of them. Hell, there is nothing known as a ‘BEST FRIEND’. It’s called “ BULLSHIT’.

Someone very rightfully made me realize that and I have come to believe its true. The oldest friend isn’t your best friend, hell no one is. It is just a term used for social purposes. One has ‘CLOSE FRIENDS’ not best friends. And like every other topic, this is subjective as well. I would like to be personal here since it’s my blog. No offense or insult meant in this context, but is it unjust if me to ask for attention? Should I not ask for attention from a friend I ‘demand’ to be at my side when I need them? Should I actually go around reminding people of the favors I did them when they needed me?

All I wanted was my close friend to be at my side, pamper me and hug me tight, not wait for me to beg her to meet me.

Honestly, ive been wanting to be alone recently and I like it that way. I don’t care I have company or not, I enjoy either ways. Just that I’m tired of being disappointed.

I think I made a mistake by thinking I would find my friends with me without asking for it. 

Shpongle - Around the World in a Tea Daze...one of my favorites. listen to the whole track

and i keep wishing...

my diary is exactly 3 feet away, at a diagonal angle. and yet i am not able to move and get it, despite several efforts over the past few days. but somehow, posting on my blog seemed easier. it feels as if i want to disperse my thoughts into the universe where they would spread and fade away, and not come back to me. i want so many things to be unreachable right now. 


we all repeatedly yearn to go back through time and make things right. reality hit me long back, and i knew it wont happen, its worse than a dream or any drug to hope for such a miracle. today i want to run away so badly, that i have even lost an inkling to get myself back. 


yes we keep saying running away isn't the option, but hey! it is. it needs to be right now. i want to cut off from every one. i have begun to love this silence. my silence. my lack of words. i like it, hell i love it.

its as if i can see my past again. those dark days of depression when i forgot to even smile. i resided within 4 walls, in darkness and silence. i somehow like it more.

more and more.

For Mam

Every moment, enveloped by cynicism


A reassuring hand on my shoulder


Nudged me forward
Into the

clouds of confusion.


With a rock solid faith


That I could not believe

A pin prick when I need it,


A token of love when required


Cautious but never pressing


Love in abundance, 


With a shining light to guide.

No promises here


Nor any reigns.


Just respect


For all we do 


And what we are.

All I wish is for that hand to stay on my shoulder


To pat me when it’s proud


And slap me when I’m wrong


For it is only respect that I have


That I am pleased to give.


For I am not worthy to be that lucky.

~k~


14.02.2012